I Thought Everyone Else Had It Figured Out

I Thought Everyone Else Had It Figured Out

Discovering that confidence comes from action, not certainty, and that everyone struggles with the same doubts you do.

For a long time, I assumed everyone else knew something I didn't. They seemed more confident, more qualified, and more prepared. They spoke in meetings without second-guessing every word. They had impressive titles. They used acronyms I had never heard before and somehow seemed to know exactly what they were doing. Meanwhile, I was quietly wondering when someone was going to realize I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I thought confidence was something other people had figured out.

I was wrong.

The Third-Grade Math Test

When I was in third grade, I remember taking a math test and looking around the classroom. Everyone else seemed to be working confidently while I was struggling. Instead of thinking, This test is hard, I thought, Everyone else must understand this except me.

Many of us learn to interpret uncertainty as evidence that we don't belong. We don't know the answer, so we assume everyone else does. We feel nervous, so we assume everyone else is confident. We struggle, so we assume everyone else is succeeding.

I carried that belief with me for a long time. The classrooms changed. Eventually, they became conference rooms. But the feeling was surprisingly similar.

Then My Seat at the Table Changed

As my career progressed, I started getting invited into different rooms. Eventually, I found myself sitting alongside executives and senior leaders I once would have assumed had everything figured out. And something strange happened.

I was still me.

I hadn't suddenly downloaded some secret leadership software overnight. I didn't wake up the morning after receiving a promotion with all the answers. The only difference was that my seat at the table had changed.

From that seat, I could finally see something I couldn't see before: nobody had everything figured out.

The people I assumed were completely certain sometimes weren't. The people with impressive titles asked questions. They changed their minds. They called someone who knew more than they did. They made mistakes.

Sometimes, they were failing the math test, too.

That changed the way I thought about confidence. It also changed the way I thought about leadership.

Real Expertise Doesn't Always Sound Like Certainty

Early in my career, I thought being a leader meant knowing the answer. I thought the higher you climbed, the more you were supposed to know. Admitting you didn't know something felt like admitting you weren't qualified to be there.

Now, I think some of the strongest leaders are the ones comfortable enough to say, I don't know. Let's figure it out.

Real expertise often sounds like curiosity. It means asking the right questions and knowing when someone else in the room understands something better than you do. It means being secure enough to listen to them instead of feeling threatened by what they know.

Leadership isn't about becoming the person who knows everything. For me, it became about learning how to use the knowledge in the room.

That meant asking questions. It meant listening. It meant connecting people and recognizing strengths. Most importantly, it meant slowly realizing that not knowing everything wasn't evidence that I didn't belong there.

It was evidence that I was human.

Confidence Usually Comes Later

We talk about confidence as though it's the prerequisite for doing difficult things.

Once I'm confident, I'll apply for the job.

Once I'm confident, I'll speak up in the meeting.

Once I'm confident, I'll take the opportunity.

Once I'm confident, I'll lead.

But that isn't how confidence worked for me.

Confidence came later.

It came after I raised my hand while my stomach was turning. It came after I accepted opportunities I wasn't completely sure I was ready for. It came after I sat in rooms where I felt intimidated and realized I could contribute something valuable. It came after I survived being wrong.

Sometimes, it came after realizing that the person I was intimidated by didn't know the answer either.

I spent a lot of time waiting to feel ready before doing things that scared me. What I eventually learned was that feeling ready wasn't necessarily going to come first.

Sometimes, the only way to become the person who could confidently do something was to be willing to do it before I felt confident.

You don't have to eliminate self-doubt before you move forward. You just have to stop letting it make your decisions.

Your Inner Critic Can Come. It Just Doesn't Get a Vote.

I wish I could tell you that eventually you reach a point in your career where imposter syndrome disappears forever. I haven't found that point.

There are still moments when the old voice shows up.

Are you sure you're qualified for this?

What if everyone else knows more than you?

What if you say the wrong thing?

I've stopped trying to make that voice disappear. It can sit in the room.

It just doesn't get a vote.

I've learned something that third-grade me desperately needed to know: You cannot determine how well everyone else is doing by looking around the room.

Some people are confident. Some people are pretending to be confident. Some people are nervous and speaking anyway. Some people know exactly what they're doing. And some people are quietly hoping nobody notices they're struggling with the math test.

I always thought belonging would feel like certainty. I thought eventually I would walk into the room and feel completely qualified to be there.

What I've learned instead is that belonging doesn't require certainty.

You don't need to figure everything out before you belong in the room. You don't need to know everything before you contribute. And you certainly don't need to become someone else before you're ready to lead.

You aren't taking up space. You're contributing to it.

This article was inspired by Chapter 4, "I Thought Everyone Else Had It Figured Out," from I Feel Like I Have a Lot to Say, a book about finding your voice, leading with courage, and learning that you don't have to feel completely ready before you begin.

I Feel Like I Have a Lot to Say is available now on Amazon.